Domestic violence: Usually these words bring forth horrifying images of victims beaten up with bloodied lips and broken bones. We often discount the actual reality of domestic violence: the fear generated long before the fist first hits the flesh.

Many victims do suffer from physical abuse, but more often the real damage begins and ends with a pattern of behaviors geared toward dominance and control. Many victims (mostly women) paint the same picture of victimization through coercion and control that unnoticed slips into abuse – psychological, economical, sexual, spiritual. The story I’m about to tell is not of one person but the story of many.

As she came into my office, her eyes were guarded, her body slightly stooped with shoulders hunched, as if to protect her heart.

“I don’t know if I really belong here. He never actually hits me or anything … I don’t want him in trouble. He used to be so sweet and understanding. We did things together, laughed and played.”

At first he criticized her over little things and then her housekeeping and her cooking.

“He tells me to stay away from my friends. He says I should tell my mom not to call … He demands I tell him where I go, who I see, and what I do all day, and then he calls me a liar … And the worst is he says I am a bad mother and he can’t trust me to take care of his kids.”

His angry outbursts frighten her.

“He gets a cold look in his eyes that is so … mean. It’s as if I disgust him.”

He took over control of their money, never giving her what she needed for food, gas, even school supplies.

“I can’t do anything right.”

She doubted herself. She had lost her sense of self; her esteem, her likes, her interests, her hopes. The whole of her was devoted to pleasing him; she could never meet his expectations. They fought (her fault). He threatened, “You’ll be sorry if you keep it up.” He grabbed her, once, with a grip strong enough to hurt.

“It’s like he might have pushed me. I fell, but may have stumbled. He reminds me I’m so awkward … He yells at the kids and tells them their mother doesn’t love them.”

Her unfolding story revealed the elements of domestic violence.

I ask, “Are you afraid?”

“Yes,” she would say, “but I love him.”

This is the pattern of domestic violence and abuse. This pattern is recognizable. The victim is cut off from support of family and friends. Without money and resources the victim has nowhere to turn. Most of all is the loss of belief in self. Still, the victim does not want to leave.

In the story above she sought help to try to “fix” it, to make it work believing she could love him back to the man she used to know. It’s easy to discredit victims of domestic violence, especially in the absence of broken bones, black eyes, and cut lips.

In my work as an advocate for victims of domestic violence, I do occasionally see physical abuse. However, the story of most victims is so much more insidious, hidden behind the gradual escalation of general criticism and demeaning comments, financial and social isolation, manipulation and control. All of this occurs, no matter the education, age, gender, economical and social position of the victim.

Help is available! An advocate can be reached at any time by calling our 24-hour Crisis Line at 468-4567 (Lopez), 378-2345 (San Juan), and 376-1234 (Orcas).

Call 911 if it’s an emergency. Please, don’t hesitate to contact us, your information is completely confidential.

Suzi Marean is the Lopez Community Advocate for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services of the San Juan Islands.